Gloves off

Imagine this surfing scenario. You are riding an heavy old longboard without a leash at a crowded break. You lose control of your board and it gets away from you. It rushes toward another surfer, who doesn't see it coming, and hits her in the head.

Would you:

A) apologize

B) start using a leash from then on

C) yell at the other surfer that it's her own fault and hell no, you won't use a leash

?

I bet all of you picked A.

But now imagine that you are the Kingpin of the local surf mafia. And the person you hit has long been targeted by the mafia for the sport of ostracism, ridicule, and abuse. Or, in language more suited to the maturity level of the surf mafia, she has cooties.

Then what would you do?

By now you realize that this really happened, and that Kingpin picked A. (He's the short, stocky Kingpin, for those who would contend for the title; arguably the best surfer at our little beach, though no great shakes by the standards of the ESA).

I need to mention one other thing: before this incident, Kingpin dropped in on me and then blamed me for blowing his wave. I was the person nearest the jetty--there was, indeed, no one between me and the jetty. Kingpin was on the other side of me. Nearest the jetty, nearest the breaking wave--that was my wave and my wave only, and I was in perfect position for it, as evidenced by my perfect takeoff. Kingpin took off on the same wave. Not only that, but instead of going in the same direction I was going, he went the opposite way--towards me and a sure collision. That's how sure he was that A) I wouldn't make it and B) Fuck me if I did. But in neither case did that make it OK for him to take the wave. Or to then yell at me and say I did something wrong!

I guess by the rules of surfing, if you surf well you are exempted from the rules of decent human behavior. Whether or not that's a universal part of surf culture (and I suspect it is, and is even part of why so many men are attracted to it), it's true of the Mafia at this beach.

I wasn't hurt too much (though I now know that if I had been, they would have all laughed as they watched me bleed to death). Writing this a day later, I still have a headache and a sore jaw where the board smacked into me. But I could have been.

Not only did the Kingpin not apologize, but when I told him that he needed to start using a leash before he really hurt somebody, he puffed himself up (as best he could at about five foot three), hesitated a beat in his shock that such a lowly form of life would dare address him in such a manner, and yelled:

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

And headed back out.

That was just too much for me. Unlike the other day with the female mafiosa, I couldn't stay silent anymore.

Once I assessed that I wasn't bleeding and didn't feel dizzy (not that anyone else gave a shit) I paddled back out and gave him a piece of my mind.

Then not only did he not apologize or show any concern or remorse, he started yelling at me that it was my fault for not getting out of the way of his surfboard! What the hell was I doing at his break! I should get out of the water! I had no right at this beach, I couldn't surf! Everything was my fault, nothing was his, I had caused his board to hit me and I should just get out of everyone's way.

And the rest of them, who were all huddled together the way they do, took it up, especially C., who could probably have been heard in California. Kingpin was especially theatrical, mocking my words and gestures.

There are those who would say he gets carte blanche to say and do anything to anybody because he knows how to surf.

But that's bullshit (among other colorful words I used out there) and I am not taking that shit from anybody.