Ass Kicked by One Foot Waves; Humiliated by Tabloid Photographer

I thought I was through having days like today.

All I can say is: Goddammit! goddammit. When if ever am I going to be through?

It was a beautiful day, I felt fine and psyched, the waves were clean and the perfect size for me. I went out feeling absolutely confident. I thought it was going to be such a fun day. I aimed to work on turning.

There was absolutely no excuse, wave-wise, wind-wise, temperature-wise or crowd/vibe wise, for sucking. For most of the session I was the only one out.

And I still sucked, and I just feel so discouraged, and helpless, and hopeless. Because I don't know why I sucked, not even after all these years. And trying with all my might I couldn't figure it out or fix it. Because of this, I may have to consider upgrading surfing to The Hardest Thing in the World. So far, it's only the Second Hardest Thing in the World, after raising a child (which, technically speaking, shouldn't even be on the list of hardest things in the world, since it's not hard, it's impossible). Should I be forced to conclude that surfing is impossible, it will be upgraded. Of course, these are only the Hardest Things in the World for me, not necessarily anyone else; but that is all that matters.

Instead of working on turning, I could barely even catch a wave. When I tried, I either nosedived (which I had thought was now a thing of the past) or was pushed sideways off my board by the wave. On the few takeoffs in two and a half hours which I didn't blow, some I didn't manage to get up at all and if I did I fell almost immediately.

I tried everything: moving back on the board, taking off earlier, both together, nothing worked.

To make things even worse, I saw a woman taking photographs of me. I couldn't imagine why, unless she was working for Worst Surfers in the World magazine. Turns out she's from the local tabloid paper (which has a circulation, I am sure, of at least a million or two). She called me out of the water, told me what she was doing, and asked for my permission to run a photo of me! I said, didn't you see how bad I was doing? She said, I can't tell the difference. She said please a couple of times. No way Jose. Finally I said, let me see the photos. She showed me one of me going straight in with my knees on the board and my ass in the air. I practically started jumping up and down at the thought that she might publish this, yelling No! Forbidden! Verboten! or something like that. Or maybe I just emphatically stated that I denied my permission. She did get the message.

If she ever ran the photo the title of the article would have to be: Old Lady's Ass Kicked by One Foot Waves and then in small type: "Surfer" Further Humiliated by Tabloid Photographer.

Then she said could she print a photo of me just sitting on my board, which I wouldn't have objected to, but she needed me to give her my name and this, alas, I cannot do. Ever since Google ruined my life, I don't use my full real name with anybody if I can help it. I've learned this the extremely hard way. Eventually, I'll have to have my name legally changed. All because of Google, which if I could I'd sue for millions in damages.

Oh well, she can run the photo with "unidentified surfer" anyway.

I was so determined to do well today, so sure I could even as the afternoon wore on without any hint of success, and so disgusted at my failure that I stayed out longer than I usually do and was practically blue by the time I quit.

There was only one good thing about today. The last hour, one other surfer was out to witness my humiliation. At one point, I caught a wave where I couldn't stand up, so had to ride it in on my belly. I found that I was able to turn the board by using my body so that the board was actually at a 90-degree angle, going left (the only way to go at this beach). In that manner I was actually able to ride a wave in a way I have never done standing. I know because it was a completely novel sensation. The other surfer said: "You got barrelled!" I looked at him in total incomprehension: Whattaya mean, I couldn't even get up! He said the wave was breaking just over me as I was riding it. I guess it was, it felt like it was, but I didn't know you could get barrelled without surfing.

What was different was that I was able to point my board across the wave. No matter how much I try to do this while standing, by using my arms and shoulders, looking in the direction I want to go, etc. etc. it hasn't worked, and now I think it can't work unless I get the board turned around. Head and shoulders can't do that, only feet can, right? But how? How to turn the board using your feet? Someone suggested watching surfing videos. Hell, why not. It can't hurt. I have some basic learn-to DVDs but none of them cover as advanced a topic as turning. I'll see if I can find some good pro surfer DVDs.

Meanwhile, I gotta remember what this guy said, about pushing down on the board as you're getting the wave. No one else has ever said this. Is it something I'm supposed to know? I would've tried today but at that point I was too cold to try anymore. Next time.

POSTSCRIPT, March 18: I finally got to see a copy of the photo as it appeared in the newspaper about a month ago. There is a photo of me and the other two surfers out that day lined up like seals in the water. It's very nice. Me and the other woman are lying on our boards while the guy catches a wave. I have to say that I like the photo, and that even if I hadn't known it was me I would have known it was me because of that GREAT ASS. That is to say, the ass may get itself regularly kicked by one-foot waves, but it is still the best ass in the water, especially in a wetsuit. I don't see it very often but every time I do my reaction is the same: @WOW@!