Monday blues

I hadn't planned on surfing today, but I checked the waves and they weren't bad, plus no one was out on this sunny Monday morning. Sometimes I think (no, I know) I use surfing as a way of putting off other stuff I really need to do and don't want to. I don't know if that's good or bad or just is. But I made up my mind that no matter what was in the background I was going out there with a good attitude and I would keep a good attitude.

I had about 70% success on that.

I tried to keep focus. Sometimes, if there's no one out, I even talk to myself---"almost got that one, too early" or "too late," like a coach. Why not. It helps.

The best advice I could give myself was that line from the late great Spaulding Gray, from his book or movie or both (Swimming to Cambodia). Be Here Now! Another life lesson from but not limited to surfing. The minute I started thinking about lunch or what I was going to do later on, a big set wave would come and I'd miss it and/or it would hit me upside the head.

In light of what I quoted from Surfing magazine two posts back, here's how I did today.

In two hours, I caught four waves. That's not counting one where I was too early but popped up to my feet, and one where I pearled. I swear, in the summer when the gloves are off I might try writing down what happens with each wave so I have an accurate record. I forget everything as soon as it happens. Couldn't write anything down today. But what I remember is:

1) couldn't even try to pop up

2) tried to pop up, was late and didn't even try until the wave got going, did better, got to my feet in a semi popup and fell immediately

3) I popped up immediately, even though I saw I would be on the Ledge. When the wave made the drop, I fell. This was the first time I have ever stood up on the Ledge instead of waiting til after the elevator drop. Not surprising that I fell---that's what I have thought all along would happen, duh. The question is how to prevent it. I have to give myself points for trying and doing something I've never attempted before.

4) Sorry, I've lost all memory of what happened. I got to my feet in some fashion and fell immediately.

So that's what happened in the one second of practice time I got in two hours today. (one-fourth second per wave)

I do vaguely recall that on one of the waves where I was standing for some reason I landed on the forward part of the board and was leaning forward instead of back (as I usually do) before I fell off.

After about an hour, a couple of other surfers came out. Damn. I'd been psyched to be all alone. I tried hard not to let them ruin my attitude. It's hard enough to short circuit a negative feedback loop when I'm alone (you know, when you do badly and then you start to predict that you'll do badly and then you do) but harder with others. There is definitely a negative feedback loop there: once other people see you doing badly you start seeing yourself as they see you and they treat you as if they expect you to do badly and then you do worse. Though I guess it would've been harder to do worse than I was anyway. Sometimes I can talk myself out of that (see last post).

It helped that one of the guys smiled and said hi and even started talking.

He and the other guy started catching waves and surfing and the old familiar loop started in my head: "It's not the waves, it's me, they're doing it, why can't I, I hate them and they're making me surf even worse, I hate watching them have fun, I'll never learn."

Still I was trying to keep up my good attitude. After about five rides in a short period of time the guy turned to me and said, "Fun little waves today."

At that point I lost it. As I said in the last post, like all human beings, I hate watching other people having fun when I'm not having any. I tried to smile and be a good sport but the best I could honestly do, since it was so obviously not fun for me, was, "I guess it's fun if you know how to do it."

He looked surprised, as if it had never occurred to him that people aren't born knowing how to surf, and said, with a heavy New York accent, "I just like being in the water."

Don't you hate how the people who say "I just like being in the water" are always the people who are actually surfing, not the people who are really just being in the water? No one really likes "just being in the water!" Not if that's all they can do!

At that point my good attitude was gone for good. All I could think of were the things I now still had to do today, made harder to do and in two hours less time by a crappy surf session.

He then said something about me pearling on my last attempted wave, so I knew he really had been watching and mentally evaluating me.

I just hate seeing myself the way other people see me. Even though this guy was not someone I know who's formed an opinion watching me flail year after year and so doesn't necessarily think, "Oh, here she comes again, why doesn't she just quit, she'll never learn and she's just in the way."

It's funny, my nonsurfing friends, who for the most part have never seen me in the water, think I'm cool and brave and wonderful for trying so valiantly to learn to surf. One even calls me her "role model". Of course, the image in their minds is of me riding a wave, not flailing around. They'd feel differently if they could actually see me. (One of them, bless her heart, saw me ride a wave in sitting down and said, "You did good, I thought that was what you were supposed to do.") Nevertheless, even though it's unrealistic, I try to see myself as they see me, not as the surfers see me.