Lost...

Today was the first time I went out trying to surf this month, and the month's nearly over. There have been no waves, but that's not even why. I seem to have lost something...and it's not just the two best friends I ever had. I have lost heart, or maybe hope.

Never before has there been a day when I said to myself while suiting up, I could spend the next two hours reading a book instead of flailing in the cold...Actually there would be nothing wrong with doing that, since the air temps are 32 and the water is about 40. I just couldn't let myself. If I start giving up there's no telling where it might lead. But I wanted to.

I couldn't catch a wave to save my life today; I didn't even get close. After the first wipeout I started revising expectations downward---well, just ride a wave without trying to stand. After a month of not surfing, I told myself, I am way out of practice and shouldn't expect to stand up. Even my board felt like someone else's. But I couldn't get a wave lying down. Well, just stay out and keep trying, I said to myself. But my 7 mil boots let me down. There may be some tiny holes in them. And then water got in my gloves and my finger froze.

In my defense, the waves were pretty big today by my standards. Chest high, some of them, beyond my comfort level; and breaking hard and fast. I needed to stay back so I didn't get pulverized, but then I was too far back to catch anything.

I wasn't even out for an hour. It was completely miserable. I have forgotten even the little bit I used to know about surfing.

And another thing, since today was the first day with a measurable lineup in a month. I hate to say this. I don't admit it even to myself. But it is...how do I say this without sounding like I've lost or given up...The thing is, I actually would prefer paddling out into a lineup where everyone didn't hate me. I really would like it better if people were friendly or at least neutral. Who the hell wouldn't? What's wrong with saying that, does it make me a wimp?

Oh, don't worry, I'm not really giving up. I will keep going. They won't stop me. I didn't want to even say this because in case K. or I. read this it will give them great satisfaction. But screw it, they know it anyway. Congratulations, you two. Everyone here who knows them or knows someone who knows them hates me. And that's pretty much everybody.

There's nothing I can do about that, so f&Ck it. The latest gossip I heard about myself is that I go around stealing puppies.

I would laugh, if I still had the heart.

I'm going to California in a week. It's northern California, so it won't be much warmer, but hopefully the waves will be better. I will probably even have a surf lesson or two. I'm hoping that will get me stoked again.

Now I have to go to the vet's to pick up my cat's ashes.